Forword: The following testimony is from a Stormriders reader. We believe that you will be truly blessed by these words, we know we were!
My Favorite Four Letter ‘F’ Word Meets Love.
I used to be this person that bought into that whole idea that many people are taught today: be independent, capable, fierce. Something in me wants to go back and poke this person’s eyeballs out.
You see, about two years ago, I met Jesus Christ. And no I don’t mean that I learned about Him, but that after 23 years of knowing about Him, going to church, including 6 years of being angry at God, I met Him. He became a real everyday part of my life, and an year later, I got baptized. Then almost immediately, the company I worked for announced it was shutting down and I lost my job in ten days, my following job turned out to be a nightmare I had to quit. Soon I had to leave the city, live in a half constructed house, with no transportation, no tv, no internet, or even a computer. I was my very own contemporary Robinson Crusoe. But while the situation was not pleasant, I only saw them as challenges to conquer like I had before. How wrong were my thoughts. I was totally wrong to think of it that way and most importantly, it turned out to be a revealing blessing in disguise.
When I was a little girl, there was a moment when I was molested by an uncle. I should have said something, told someone, but instead, I actively chose to stay silent and resolve the problem on my own. I did not want to burden anyone else and most importantly and eerily, as scared as I was, my little mind didn’t think she needed the help.
When I got older, there were other incidents that indicated a severe isolation and unhealthy idea of self-sufficiency. During college, instead of accepting a ride to the hospital, I insisted on driving myself to the ER, despite the fact that I did not even know where the hospital was. I eventually found my way there by asking a stranger on the street for directions, as if nothing was wrong. My love life wasn’t so much a love life but a shambles of sanitized laughter and entertainment. I dated men who amused me, but secretly I was choosing the ones that could never fall in love with me. I had a bad habit of never letting him pay or resenting roses on Valentine’s day. I ran the second I felt his emotions were in the picture. Many of my closest friends were people who wanted someone to listen, but people I had known from the beginning did not know how to give back. But I actively and willingly made these choices. I did not want the burden of ties. I was happiest alone.
And it was a high. When you’re alone, you have true independence, the kind that goes beyond the financial into the emotional. It’s easy in this situation to feel that every event in your life is your own creation. After all, you have no one to credit but yourself. There is a certain confidence that grows with you and a fierce conviction in who you are and what you can do. If I wanted something, I felt like I could have it. If I wanted to be someone, I felt like I could be her. My motto was “the only thing standing in the way is yourself.” I needed no one, I was beholden to no one, and I owed no one anything. I was free. In a sick masochistic way, I reveled in it.
But the empowerment, strength, and freedom of independence, comes with a sick cost to oneself. If I had spoken out about molestation I could’ve curtailed unnecessary pain to myself, or if I had accepted a ride to the hospital, that moment could’ve been a fond memory of someone’s affection for me. If I had learned to be a little more dependent, it could’ve been an earlier walk with Christ. A lot of things could've been easier, had I sought a little less isolation and independence.
Even after I accepted Jesus into my life, my Savior and God, I continued to seek independence. Even our relationship I thought of as a give and take I ahd to work for and resolve in my own capacity, instead of letting it just be. After I lost my job, I would wake up every morning and spend hours at my desk, reading the Bible and taking notes. I would look up devotionals on the internet and pray another hr before going to sleep. I even feared taking other jobs in the case they would not please the Lord. When the pressure mounted and I felt doors on all sides were closing, I found myself literally choosing to skip meals rather than admit need or accept help. I was still having difficulty accepting the blessings in my life. But one day, during prayer, I heard God speak these words into my ear, “Let me love you, child.”
I understood then, something He had been trying to tell me, it’s not about deserving His love through hard work or earning it, but just accepting it. He is a wonderful and great creator, who created you just for that purpose, to be loved. Because His love is FREE! God had already been loving me abundantly even to the point where He had taken away all my instruments for self-sufficiency and was forcing me into an austerity to teach me the most freeing lesson of all, to let in the love Jesus was sending me. IT was me who was rejecting His love by rejecting the love in my life.
It’s a funny feeling, that first time that you let someone pay for your dinner. Or to have someone offer you a place to stay and you accept. Or crying your eyes out in someone's embrace. It was unfamiliar, bizarre, and all very nice. It’s actually warm and cozy; a complete relief, like I was finally home. His love had already placed the people and things I needed for my joy. Even the trivial things I found myself blessed in, I ended up eating so much I gained all the weight i'd lost and more, I went to all the parties I wanted to, I still had delightful outfits coming out of my closet. I should've been unable to do any of these things! But here I am, fat, happy, spoiled, and loved. All I had to do was open up my heart.
I'm not perfect at this yet. Sometimes I'm even tempted to go back to the way I was and enjoy the thrill of running my own show, campaigning for myself. And still in other moments, I still feel I don't deserve without earning. especially a Savior. But no ego-trip or insecurity is worth losing what I now know. You can work hard and be strong, and someone will always always applaud you. But now, I can be weak and still be strong, because I'm letting someone else catch me. Someone so good He'll even force you to let Him catch you. His name is Jesus.
True strength is the courage to open your heart. True empowerment is the love of others in you. True freedom is a true love, one that takes you as you are and loves you. Even the secular saying goes, a true love sets you free. God's love is truly a true and good love.
So just let go, let down your walls, lose control, and BE FREE.
"What a man desires is unfailing love." Proverbs 19:22a
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